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The Enthusiast: Guy Cousins

‘Morgan you’re fired!’

‘But . . . but why?’

‘Because you’re bloody useless. You’re losing me money and you’re pissing off your co-workers.’

‘What!’

‘You heard me.’

‘But I don’t get paid for this. It’s voluntary work.’

‘Doesn’t matter. We’ve got standards, and you’re not good enough.’

‘What standards? What are you talking about? I’m doing God’s work – sending out the message and all that, recruiting people to the cause.’

‘Of course you are Morgan, and what a brilliant job you’ve done. How many have you converted now . . . ?

‘Sixteen.’

‘Ah, yes sixteen people converted to Christianity, and in only two days. Impressive.’

‘Phew, you had me going for a minute there Boss – I thought you were serious about sacking me.’

‘I am – you’re fired.’

‘Eh? I don’t understand.’

‘Morgan, what do you think we do here?’

‘Well . . . God’s work of course.’

‘Hmmm – God’s work? Yes I suppose you could call it that, although a more accurate description would be collecting for good causes, in this case The Bodmin and District Pensioners Fund. It may have escaped your notice, but it’s our job to collect donations, not start preaching to people.’

‘Who said anything about preaching?’

‘The management and staff at Tescos who had to frog-march you off the premises, after they received over a hundred complaints from customers regarding your unorthodox methods.’

‘It was all a misunderstanding.’

‘A misunderstanding? Really. Well let’s read down the list of complaints shall we: singing “Morning has Broken” at the top of your voice and out of tune, shouting “hallelujah”, every time someone put money in your collection box, standing in a shopping trolley reading passages from the New Testament . . . Shall I go on?’

‘Okay, so I was a little over the top. I’m just enthusiastic that’s all. Nothing wrong with that is there?’

‘Well, your enthusiasm seems to have spilled over onto the expense sheet you handed in.’

‘You said I was entitled to expenses.’

‘Yes we agreed to pay your bus fare Morgan, but there seem to be some additions on your form. Let’s see . . . £4.57 for two sausage rolls, and a cheese and pickle sandwich.’

‘That was lunch.’

‘I haven’t finished. Three cases of Red Bull, two cases of orange juice, and a case of Liebfraumilch.’

‘Refreshments for the customers – they went down a treat.’

‘Refreshments – I see. And the frozen leg of lamb?’

‘A raffle prize – pound a strip. I thought it would stimulate a bit of interest.’

‘And who won this raffle prize?’

‘Errr . . . I did.’

‘You did?’

‘Yes.’

‘And would you mind explaining how you won it?’

‘Well . . . I bought a ticket of course.’

‘But of course – silly me. Morgan, you can see how this looks? I’m afraid I have no choice but to dispense with your services. Now kindly leave my office and take your enthusiasm elsewhere.’

‘This is very hard for me to take you know.’

‘Yes I know, but I’m the chief coordinator for this charity, and with that comes responsibility. Now please piss off.’

‘Eh . . . okay. Just one thing before I go Frank . . .’

‘Yes?’

‘Any chance of a tenner for the taxi home?’

Guy Cousins is a psychic medium and ghosthunter from Scandanavia. Author of 5 books and countless scientific articles including the acclaimed, ‘Are You Sure You’re Human?’ Cousins has scoured the globe in his quest for the eternal truth. He is an ardent admirer of Jesus Christ and believes in God when it suits him. He admits to having read the back cover of one of David Icke’s books once but still has the scars.

‘I’m just a normal bloke doing my job,’ Cousins says. As to what that job is, none of us are quite sure. Guy Cousins’ ‘There’s Always Tomorrow’ is now available in Short Story Library Magazine.

Click the link to read Guy’s story.

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