Space Stuff: Rob Johnson




Rob Johnson presents his jaundiced slant on modern sci-fi novels:

Space Stuff: A Complete Science Fiction Novel in Less Than 400 Words
Chapter One

There was an amazing blast as the rocket ship thing launched off on its way to some planet or other.
All seemed to be going well until there was a sudden shuddering noise and an unpleasant feeling in the stomachs of the space crew – blokes and women both.

“Euston, we have a problem,” Commander Bernard Megasouvlaki whispered into the communication thing so as not to alarm the other people on the rocket thing.

“Press 1 if you have a query about train times,” replied a robotic voice.

“Press 2 if you want to know if this train exists…..”

Commander Bernard hung up.

“Bloody wrong number.”

The Commander sat back for a bit until he heard this stuff: “Hello MoonThing, do you have a problem?”“I’ve no idea. Tell me your number again.”“It’s Huston 00 1 3456 567987.”“Not Euston then.”

Then there was a load of scrabbly stuff on the radio.

“MoonThing, This is Houston. Do you read me?”

“Wait just a goddammminute,” extranulated the Commander. “We’re being attacked by alien space things.”

And it was true.

Other spaceship things were flying at them from all over the shop and zapping them with all kinds of zappy stuff.

But the Commander of the Moondance thing or whatever it was called beat them all off easily with his ray gun stuff so that was OK.

Chapter Two

“Hey,” exclaimed First Officer Natasha Stalin. “We’re here at last on whatever planet we were supposed to arrive on.”

Chapter Three

“Aaagh!” screamed Lieutenant Vladimir Dobbs as the aliens did unpleasant stuff to him. “Leave me. Just save yourselves!”

So they did.

Chapters Four to Eighty-Seven

(Much of the same kind of thing.)

Chapter Eighty-Eight

Safely back on the ground, Commander Whateverhisnamewas held his darling wife Prunelleta close to his heaving, fragrant body.

She looked up into his something-or-other eyes (ED. Think the description could be improved) . “Darling. I think I may be up the duff.”

Commander Thing stuffed back the tears.

“Is it…..?”

Prunellalski paused and looked forlornly down at her Nike trainers. “I don’t know. I really don’t.”

“Is it….?”

Prunelaovski met his gaze. “It’s possible it could be….”

Commander Thing followed her glance to the bloke who was obviously an alien disguised as someone else….



1 Comment »

  1. Hmmm! For sci-fi genre see also Fantasy genre.

    Comment by Huw — March 29, 2008 @ 5:43 am | Reply

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